Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Get Lean NOW!

Well about half the people at work are losing weight in mass quantities right now, but not in any way that would make you climb better. They look like it’s hard enough to climb out of bed. I’ve probably already got whatever they have, it’s just hiding dormant inside of me, waiting to pounce at just the wrong moment.

But seriously, what the hell is with the crap that comes out of my head during a ride? I am the most air-hanky-ing son of a you’ve ever met. It’s vile, I don’t know how anyone can ride with me. Every three minutes at the absolute most, a freaking tumor comes flying out a nostril. It’s got nothing to do with wind blowing past my face because it happens whether on a trainer or on the road, and it’s not only dependant on exercise because I can run for hours without so much as a drop. But it’s freaking disgusting. What actually makes this stuff, and what could it be doing otherwise to help me go faster???

My true inspiration for nose nasty is the guy who won the 40+ race at Tyson’s last year. He was off the front for all but about three laps, and it was fun as hell to watch. I think his first name was Roger. Anyhow, you shoulda seen the clump o’ nose barnacles THAT guy had that day. He was going too hard to even take his hands off the bars and give the old farmers hank. It looked like he had a translucent beehive growing out from his nose. He knoweth the hurt locker. Bravo, sir, I salute you. Now can I offer you a Kleenex, or perhaps a drop cloth?

One should never speak ill of the dead, nor should one ever speak well of the trainer, but I have to say that trainer workouts are at least a bit more engaging with a power meter. It’s pretty encouraging when you are spinning (okay, maybe not quite exactly spinning, but not exactly humping it either) at outputs that use to be cripplers. Also, it is way easier to set interval goals. So while a winter spent riding inside still sucks cheek compared to being outside in the warm, I’m taking what I get.


Jim said...

I think I coughed out a sinus infection one time - this golfball sized clump of blood clot, pus, and snot. It was all sinus infection for about a week until I had this huge coughing fit during a long ride in cold weather a year or two ago. I did the reverse-nose-blow, and this thing dropped into my throat. It was huge, I nearly choked, and then coughed it right out. I stopped to look at it, stunned that (1) the burning in my nasal cavity / sinuses had just stopped; (2) my week-long headache was gone; and, (3) that I had just coughed up something that felt like a canteloupe. After that, no more sinus infection. Weird.

I wish I was exaggerating but sadly I'm not, and even for my snotty riding self, that was a highly unusual occurrence. I must admit, I was surprised it didn't walk off toward the nearest farmhouse and attempt to assimilate the occupants.

Chuck Wagon said...

That would have been one of the happiest moments of my life. I never get closure like that.