Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Kiwi Atrophy

Good God I feel like Kyle. I had all these aspirations for enlarging my significant kiwi musculature this past weekend and failed miserably. The weather didn't help. In fact, there was nothing I could do about it. Well, that's not entirely true. You see, we were in NJ visiting the in-laws. Now, they live in a lovely town on the shore which is about as far removed from the typical "jersey shore d-bag" archetype as you can imagine. In fact, where they live is fairly waspy and snooty. Proximity being what it is, though, you run into a lot of d-bags when you are around there. Especially when you go, as I did, to the Gold's Gym.

Now that I can exercise, of course I want to. Unfortunately, I pretty well depend on having a gym in order to do this. In addition to having really nice facilities (far nicer than the Washington Sports Club that I just joined - buy holy cow they must be struggling for members because the place is costing me nothing), they have fantastic kiwi workout machines and plenty of people using them. Like this clown.

They also have plenty of roid heads there. The guys with veins that look like king snakes running down their arms, always with the spiked up hair and a nice orange skin tone. Plenty of ladies were rocking that look too, always coupled with a big old fake rack. And unnaturally white teeth on all of them, but maybe they only look that way in contrast to their orange faces.

So, foiled as I am in my quest for perfection through solar means, I am now endeavoring to acheive improvement through labor. Although the power outputs are nothing to write home about (one of the bikes at the Gold's Gym was like a computrainer and had a power meter, and I think I averaged a whopping 165 for an hour on that thing), I am up to an hour and have the leg strength to get my heart working somewhat. The limiter to pushing harder isn't muscular or aerobic, it's skeletal. As in, when I push too hard, I can feel it at the point of the break.

Dara Torres has also inspired me, so I am doing some of that crazy ass medicine ball and Swiss ball stuff. Maybe some day I will be as ripped as a 41 year old mother?

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