Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Fred, Barney and The Matrix

In cycling, Freds are called Freds. In sailing, Freds are called Barneys. I don't really know how this happened. There are theories. One thing we know for sure is that Fred Flinstone was a sporting paragon. (and Wilma was a POA - DAMN!!!)


Although he sometimes showed flashes of vulnerability, Fred drove a race car better than almost anyone (Goggles Paisano), achieved gridiron immortality at good ole PU, and was a bowler par excellence (they don't call just anyone Twinkle Toes). But Fred never really did too much with water sports (see surfing clip above). When he won the houseboat on "The Prize's Price," that didn't turn out too well either. So why, when he was such a land sports icon, and a water sports buffoon, do cyclists affix his name to the uncouth among them, while Barney, who was just straight cool across the board, is the whipping boy for dopey sailors? Who knows?

On to the matrix. This was presented to me in slightly different form. Notice how Fred is at the baseline of "x=y" on our graph. I did not put him there, he was there when I found him. Presumably Barney occupies a lofty position along the Y axis, while being somewhat to the left along the X. Notice how Bert, Jim, and I both occupy positions of blogging prominence, while our cycling characteristics are slightly outweighed (to varying degrees) by our blogging accomplishments. Chuck's blogging accomplishments, while notable, are outweighed by his racing. Ergo, he is the the left of the line where X=Y.

At present, Kyle is flat-lining the cycling quotient.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
B------------(Chuck Hutch)
I
K
E-------------------------------------------------(Bert)
R---------------------------------------------------------(Unholy Jim)
A (Drew)
C---------------------------------------------------(Dave)
I
N
G(Fred)------------------------------(Kyle)
XXX B L O G G I N G
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(it looks better without the dashes but they're a formatting necessity)
This matrix can not be questioned. It simply is. It was brought to my attention while discussing a third party blog with a non-blogger. Surprisingly, I don't actually read many blogs. Few, in fact. Said third party blog was made known to me by the non-blogger. The third party blogger in question made many many references to the blogger's ability to maintain a position of third or fourth wheel, while also bemoaning the lack of pace and selectiveness in the race in question. ONLY A TRUE BLOGGER sees the lack of inherent conflict in this situation. Racers are for others, with far fewer journalistic peccadillos to consider, to make speedy, selective and interesting, while the 5th estate (the 4th estate kicked us out a while ago) gets a free ride. Of course history is actually written by the bloggers, not the victors, so either way the blogger looks like the hero. Alternately, the blogger may choose to make repeated senseless and hopeless attacks, or sit on the front of the race and drive the pace (of course at a rate of speed which will inspire the other type of blogger to remark on the slowness of pace and lack of selectiveness in the race) while enjoying scant results.

It's hard damn work keeping you people amused. Respeck, bishes.

That is all.

3 comments:

Jim said...

You totally lost me when you started talking about a K-Y axis.

And putting my racing accomplishments anywhere above the K in that axis without an asterisk * for "in his weight class and compared to people with comparable personality defects" is just insane.

TW: hoseme.

I'm not going to use it in a sentence but will note that this is the perfect TW to pop up two days before the start of my CX season. I presume it came up only because screening software prevents fuckme, imfuckt, and ohnoes from being Turing words.

Sigberto said...

I think it's also notable that as you move up the Y axis, you're darn near forced to relinquish your faux-prominence on the X axis.

You also only gain strong X-axis presence if you had some Y-axis to begin with, no?

Something about blogging in the higher categories just ain't kosher I guess.

Lastly, when Kyle had his hump day posts, he was setting the pace on the X axis. His recent shirtless posts were a sure contrast.

Chuck Wagon said...

Jim, hoseme indeed! I think we all have some form of that disclaimer or another, n'est-ce pas? Also, when one can not only adjust cantilever brakes but write a canticle about it, that moves one considerably up both axes. I often think the greatest gift my parents gave me was an Episcopalian upbringing, for the quasi-rigor and historical "you're a part of something bigger than you, you little mouth breathing twat" aspects and also for the comedy. Not a night out began without my brother and I blessing each other with a "piece be with you."

I've put several minutes into thinking of some part that begins with "test," the adjustment of which one might write a testicle about. I've failed.

Bert - you are two quality races away from having your blogger account revoked. Sorry, rules is rules. But twitter is for the true pro.